Why.

I’ve never understood why I am so sensitive to things when they happen to me over and over again. Like why am I surprised that the guy I once liked turned into an asshole, or the thought that when someone says they changed, but in reality they didn’t. Why does that surprise me every time. The fact that usually I fall for jackasses, or the fact the guys that usually like me are extremely weird, but honestly very genuine people. Why do I fall for false promises every damn time. I know that things probably won’t follow through with the way I am hoping, but that doesn’t change the fact I still do get my hopes up… Every. Damn. Time. 

But here I am, smiling the pain away, acting like it’s no big deal and moving on to the next thing that gets me through the day.

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The Past Life

Freshman year of college, I moved to Grand Rapids, MI to further my education in Biology/Chemistry and extend my love to play collegiate soccer at Aquinas College. The school was love at first sight, but little did I know I would have been in a relationship with someone still in high school as I moved away. It was only 50 minutes, but with it being my first relationship it took a bigger impact on my life.
Hurting my knee senior year of high school had a huge impact on my soccer career. A couple torn fibers of my ACL and shifted knee cap wasn’t an enjoyable thing when the weather got cold and the practices got tough. I can no longer run more than a mile, biking is my go to now, but hills can take a toll on the knee. That devastated me because all my life’s hardwork of training and my dream of playing came to an end. 

No one understands what that did to me. I ended up hating the school because I didn’t fit in. That was my own fault. I didn’t go out, drink, expand my friend group. I was the girl that sat in her room and slept away her life because she was too committed to her boyfriend and felt it was better to not do things. I hate myself for doing that. I shouldn’t have committed to a relationship as I was trying to start a new life in Grand Rapids. I should have worked harder at getting physically and mentally better. I know that now as I look back at the memories. 

I was actually a decent soccer player, but the injury took a decent hit on me and I don’t believe anyone actually knew I was a lot better than I let them see. Not that I was hiding it, but the fact I wasn’t physically capable to do that anymore. That didn’t help my depression as all I wanted to do was sleep and that led to me driving home every weekend to get away. I left the school during winter break and never returned. 

I no longer play soccer as it is just a lot on my body. I continued my schooling at Lansing Community College, LCC, for a year then got into Michigan State to continue my education. The first year was really rough on me as I was trying to get into the business school, but now I am in the College of Agriculture to fulfill a degree in Food Industry Management. I hope to get an associates in culinary as well. 

My Fight 

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt so depressed I wasn’t sure what to do next. I lived a perfectly fine life. I’ve been blessed throughout my life with people and things that some may never get the opportunity to have. That never really changed the fact that I was hit with depression at the age of 15, sophomore year of high school. Throughout high school I thought it was just SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, as the pain only came during the winters, but progressively got worse over the years. 

I wasn’t able to explain what I felt or why I felt that way. I avoided hanging out with friends and decided it was best to keep to myself. Little things bugged me more than they ever should.  Being depressed at college didn’t help, so I left and moved home to be with my family and boyfriend at the time. 

The depression never ended. February of 2015, I began antidepressants as I was diagnosed with severe depression, but that barely worked as I began to become suicidal. My boyfriend decided he didn’t want me anymore and went with another girl. To this day I still get depressed about that thinking I wasn’t good enough, but that’s okay because I’m better without him. A year later to this day, I am off my antidepressants and genuinely happy. I haven’t talked to him in awhile and I’m much better. It’s been almost three months since I have taken my last pill. I am no longer dependent on such a thing to be happy. No one should have to be dependent on medicine to make them happy. There are so many great things in life that are there to make people enjoy life.

Thankful to have found the happiness in my life and to be here to continue this crazy thing called life.