May 26, 2016; 12:52 AM

No matter how are things get there always be a way to get through everything. God has a plan no matter what. He will get me through the sadness. I believe that I don’t need anyone to make me happy. There’s no reason for me to be sad. There’s no reason for me to be anxious. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want to do. I will one day find the man of my dreams and I will be happy. There will be no doubt in my mind that I will start a family. I have time to do what I need to do before I need to do exactly what I need to do. Was saying that all it means is that I need to get through the things I need to do in order to pursue a future. God has a plan. 

The Past Life

Freshman year of college, I moved to Grand Rapids, MI to further my education in Biology/Chemistry and extend my love to play collegiate soccer at Aquinas College. The school was love at first sight, but little did I know I would have been in a relationship with someone still in high school as I moved away. It was only 50 minutes, but with it being my first relationship it took a bigger impact on my life.
Hurting my knee senior year of high school had a huge impact on my soccer career. A couple torn fibers of my ACL and shifted knee cap wasn’t an enjoyable thing when the weather got cold and the practices got tough. I can no longer run more than a mile, biking is my go to now, but hills can take a toll on the knee. That devastated me because all my life’s hardwork of training and my dream of playing came to an end. 

No one understands what that did to me. I ended up hating the school because I didn’t fit in. That was my own fault. I didn’t go out, drink, expand my friend group. I was the girl that sat in her room and slept away her life because she was too committed to her boyfriend and felt it was better to not do things. I hate myself for doing that. I shouldn’t have committed to a relationship as I was trying to start a new life in Grand Rapids. I should have worked harder at getting physically and mentally better. I know that now as I look back at the memories. 

I was actually a decent soccer player, but the injury took a decent hit on me and I don’t believe anyone actually knew I was a lot better than I let them see. Not that I was hiding it, but the fact I wasn’t physically capable to do that anymore. That didn’t help my depression as all I wanted to do was sleep and that led to me driving home every weekend to get away. I left the school during winter break and never returned. 

I no longer play soccer as it is just a lot on my body. I continued my schooling at Lansing Community College, LCC, for a year then got into Michigan State to continue my education. The first year was really rough on me as I was trying to get into the business school, but now I am in the College of Agriculture to fulfill a degree in Food Industry Management. I hope to get an associates in culinary as well. 

My Fight 

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt so depressed I wasn’t sure what to do next. I lived a perfectly fine life. I’ve been blessed throughout my life with people and things that some may never get the opportunity to have. That never really changed the fact that I was hit with depression at the age of 15, sophomore year of high school. Throughout high school I thought it was just SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, as the pain only came during the winters, but progressively got worse over the years. 

I wasn’t able to explain what I felt or why I felt that way. I avoided hanging out with friends and decided it was best to keep to myself. Little things bugged me more than they ever should.  Being depressed at college didn’t help, so I left and moved home to be with my family and boyfriend at the time. 

The depression never ended. February of 2015, I began antidepressants as I was diagnosed with severe depression, but that barely worked as I began to become suicidal. My boyfriend decided he didn’t want me anymore and went with another girl. To this day I still get depressed about that thinking I wasn’t good enough, but that’s okay because I’m better without him. A year later to this day, I am off my antidepressants and genuinely happy. I haven’t talked to him in awhile and I’m much better. It’s been almost three months since I have taken my last pill. I am no longer dependent on such a thing to be happy. No one should have to be dependent on medicine to make them happy. There are so many great things in life that are there to make people enjoy life.

Thankful to have found the happiness in my life and to be here to continue this crazy thing called life.

May 24, 2016; 1:46 AM

Relationship Abuse

My first relationship was a rough one. It dealt with a lot of fun, but also a lot of depressing sad stories. It’s not fair for me to have been in such of a relationship, but that’s okay. Life lessons. Live and learn I guess. People need to know that if you are ever treated disrespectfully within a relationship, then it is time to leave it. I did not listen to anyone that would tell me that my relationship was not good for me. I pushed everyone away and wasn’t even happy. I basically had no one because I thought I could handle it myself. Truth is I couldn’t. I was part of a verbally abusive relationship and am not afraid to admit it anymore. I was called bitch, slut, whore, cunt, chink, stupid, and any other name you could probably think of. It wasn’t because I actually cheated on him or messed around. It was all due to an ignorant man that I “fell in love” with.

I say that in quotes because at this point of my life I’m not even sure if that was love. No one should have to tell the one you love to stop calling you names over and over again. “I’m just messing around” is not a good enough excuse; I know that now.

I’m honestly not a difficult person to deal with. I just want to be treated with a little self decency. No one should stress themselves out before they see their loved one because they know all they want to do is sexual things. Sure, you’re in a relationship, but I don’t see why we can’t just watch a movie without the idea that I need to please you while doing it. What is wrong with today’s society? It’s like I would be more likely to do things if they didn’t ask so much… You know?

I’ve been slapped, “accidentally,” because he thought I was making fun of the way he said “gyro” but in all honesty I didn’t hear him the first time. That was in the beginning of the relationship. When he wouldn’t want me to leave he would grab my wrists. I had bruises from that because he was so much bigger than me. It was clear that someone grabbed me, but I didn’t think anything of it until the end of everything. I was talking about relationship abuse with a friend tonight and we both agreed relationship abuse is almost addicting to the victim because you fall for false promises. You think that they won’t do it again or change, but don’t fall for it. They won’t change for you. Move on.

To the people that read this, if any. Please remind yourself that you deserve to be treated like a fucking princess. I’m not the one to be spoiled and glamorous, but any boy that wants your attention needs to earn it with respect of your body and their own. Even the guys need to be treated with respect by their girl. No matter the type of abuse that there is, is too much abuse. no one deserves that. If they love you, they wouldn’t be doing that to you.

May 23, 2016 Adventures

Today, Trenton and I biked around the island and hung out for awhile, 5 hours to be exact. It was really enjoyable. To catch up and share life stories since we have graduated. We recalled past memories that we had throughout DeWitt, and talked about future life opportunities. With him it was nice not having to share my life story, as he already knows it. Has God put him back into my life because at one point we let the opportunity pass, or is this more of a coincidence.

image
Mackinac Island Marina, before the 5 o’clock Shepler’s Ferry.

Our story begins in fourth grade. He was my first friend that I spent almost all my time with at lunches and recess. James Dell was the addition to the friendship. We were all inseparable from what I can remember. My fondest memory was when it was winter we would spend our recess in snow pants and boots out by the basketball court building a fort. Fifth grade we took on middle school as we were in the same class again. I remember at the end of the school year, I have a picture of him and Rachel Rick. I don’t think we actually got any pictures together throughout the friendship besides the one posted. Sixth grade rolls around and I remember his mom coming out from the school to tell me to return his highlighter/ marker because I wouldn’t when he asked.

Taking our friendship into Jr. High, I don’t remember any distinct memories as we started to run in separate groups starting here. Seventh grade was a blur. I believe we did actually hangout throughout seventh grade camp, this reminisces on the fact I use to pull all the thick hair from the top of my head and had a bald spot for awhile… But no one needs to distinctly remember that. Eighth grade was our last “close” year and I say that in quotes as at this point we had already started to drift, but I know near the Super Bowl we dated. When I say date I mean the typical call and text because that was a big thing in life back in the day.

High school was all a blur as we had parted from being close as we ran with different crowds. Playing different sports and having different teachers was the main reason as we did stay in touch here and there. I just want to thank God for giving me the opportunity to reconnect with someone that I didn’t think would have been such a big impact on my life. This opportunity has given me a piece of my past back that I am not afraid to welcome in and I am truly thankful for that. So here’s to turning 21 and having the summer of my life with a very close childhood friend on the beautiful Mackinac Island.

May 24, 2016; 1:00 AM

Where do I begin? There’s so much to say about the trip I am having up here on Mackinac Island. Probably start with the part that has taken my breath away and is making me start to tear up. What do I have to do in order to find someone that genuinely cares enough to want to be part of my life? Loving myself only gets me so far. I want to share adventures, I want to make memories, and fall in love. I want to live the life that I should have been the past couple years without regrets and freely with someone who loves it just as much as I do. I just want to be loved as much as I can love one. Will I ever make it out of people’s friend zone area?

Stay cool and content with what is happening and that is the only advice I can give myself as I have no idea what this summer will bring. I only need to keep my life in order and let things fall into place. I don’t know why I have the tendency to fall so easily, why am I like this? Maybe I should stop by the church this week and just ask God for some guidance. As work seems to be falling into place and friends, it’s time to see what else I can start to engrave into my head.

Where do I see myself in 5 years, graduated from any school I may have left, starting my life, my career, a family. Some kind of consistency. Any kind of consistency. I’m tired of losing those that matter in my life. I’m tired of not being good enough, because I am enough and refuse to back down to anyone that says I’m not. I have seen the darkest moments in life, and I plan on only seeing the brightest for now on. I know I will have bad days, but I cannot let that affect what I will and will not do in life.