May 31, 2016; 10:50 PM

I just want to be loved. I just want to go to bed at night knowing that there is someone out there that I make truly happy. Someone to look forward to spending my life with and more. I deserve that. I was robbed from that by being verbally abused and didn’t know what love actually feels like and now I know, it’s not what I thought it was.

Why.

I’ve never understood why I am so sensitive to things when they happen to me over and over again. Like why am I surprised that the guy I once liked turned into an asshole, or the thought that when someone says they changed, but in reality they didn’t. Why does that surprise me every time. The fact that usually I fall for jackasses, or the fact the guys that usually like me are extremely weird, but honestly very genuine people. Why do I fall for false promises every damn time. I know that things probably won’t follow through with the way I am hoping, but that doesn’t change the fact I still do get my hopes up… Every. Damn. Time. 

But here I am, smiling the pain away, acting like it’s no big deal and moving on to the next thing that gets me through the day.

May 26, 2016; 12:52 AM

No matter how are things get there always be a way to get through everything. God has a plan no matter what. He will get me through the sadness. I believe that I don’t need anyone to make me happy. There’s no reason for me to be sad. There’s no reason for me to be anxious. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want to do. I will one day find the man of my dreams and I will be happy. There will be no doubt in my mind that I will start a family. I have time to do what I need to do before I need to do exactly what I need to do. Was saying that all it means is that I need to get through the things I need to do in order to pursue a future. God has a plan. 

The Past Life

Freshman year of college, I moved to Grand Rapids, MI to further my education in Biology/Chemistry and extend my love to play collegiate soccer at Aquinas College. The school was love at first sight, but little did I know I would have been in a relationship with someone still in high school as I moved away. It was only 50 minutes, but with it being my first relationship it took a bigger impact on my life.
Hurting my knee senior year of high school had a huge impact on my soccer career. A couple torn fibers of my ACL and shifted knee cap wasn’t an enjoyable thing when the weather got cold and the practices got tough. I can no longer run more than a mile, biking is my go to now, but hills can take a toll on the knee. That devastated me because all my life’s hardwork of training and my dream of playing came to an end. 

No one understands what that did to me. I ended up hating the school because I didn’t fit in. That was my own fault. I didn’t go out, drink, expand my friend group. I was the girl that sat in her room and slept away her life because she was too committed to her boyfriend and felt it was better to not do things. I hate myself for doing that. I shouldn’t have committed to a relationship as I was trying to start a new life in Grand Rapids. I should have worked harder at getting physically and mentally better. I know that now as I look back at the memories. 

I was actually a decent soccer player, but the injury took a decent hit on me and I don’t believe anyone actually knew I was a lot better than I let them see. Not that I was hiding it, but the fact I wasn’t physically capable to do that anymore. That didn’t help my depression as all I wanted to do was sleep and that led to me driving home every weekend to get away. I left the school during winter break and never returned. 

I no longer play soccer as it is just a lot on my body. I continued my schooling at Lansing Community College, LCC, for a year then got into Michigan State to continue my education. The first year was really rough on me as I was trying to get into the business school, but now I am in the College of Agriculture to fulfill a degree in Food Industry Management. I hope to get an associates in culinary as well.