May 26, 2016; 12:52 AM

No matter how are things get there always be a way to get through everything. God has a plan no matter what. He will get me through the sadness. I believe that I don’t need anyone to make me happy. There’s no reason for me to be sad. There’s no reason for me to be anxious. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want to do. I will one day find the man of my dreams and I will be happy. There will be no doubt in my mind that I will start a family. I have time to do what I need to do before I need to do exactly what I need to do. Was saying that all it means is that I need to get through the things I need to do in order to pursue a future. God has a plan. 

My Fight 

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt so depressed I wasn’t sure what to do next. I lived a perfectly fine life. I’ve been blessed throughout my life with people and things that some may never get the opportunity to have. That never really changed the fact that I was hit with depression at the age of 15, sophomore year of high school. Throughout high school I thought it was just SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, as the pain only came during the winters, but progressively got worse over the years. 

I wasn’t able to explain what I felt or why I felt that way. I avoided hanging out with friends and decided it was best to keep to myself. Little things bugged me more than they ever should.  Being depressed at college didn’t help, so I left and moved home to be with my family and boyfriend at the time. 

The depression never ended. February of 2015, I began antidepressants as I was diagnosed with severe depression, but that barely worked as I began to become suicidal. My boyfriend decided he didn’t want me anymore and went with another girl. To this day I still get depressed about that thinking I wasn’t good enough, but that’s okay because I’m better without him. A year later to this day, I am off my antidepressants and genuinely happy. I haven’t talked to him in awhile and I’m much better. It’s been almost three months since I have taken my last pill. I am no longer dependent on such a thing to be happy. No one should have to be dependent on medicine to make them happy. There are so many great things in life that are there to make people enjoy life.

Thankful to have found the happiness in my life and to be here to continue this crazy thing called life.

May 24, 2016; 1:46 AM

Relationship Abuse

My first relationship was a rough one. It dealt with a lot of fun, but also a lot of depressing sad stories. It’s not fair for me to have been in such of a relationship, but that’s okay. Life lessons. Live and learn I guess. People need to know that if you are ever treated disrespectfully within a relationship, then it is time to leave it. I did not listen to anyone that would tell me that my relationship was not good for me. I pushed everyone away and wasn’t even happy. I basically had no one because I thought I could handle it myself. Truth is I couldn’t. I was part of a verbally abusive relationship and am not afraid to admit it anymore. I was called bitch, slut, whore, cunt, chink, stupid, and any other name you could probably think of. It wasn’t because I actually cheated on him or messed around. It was all due to an ignorant man that I “fell in love” with.

I say that in quotes because at this point of my life I’m not even sure if that was love. No one should have to tell the one you love to stop calling you names over and over again. “I’m just messing around” is not a good enough excuse; I know that now.

I’m honestly not a difficult person to deal with. I just want to be treated with a little self decency. No one should stress themselves out before they see their loved one because they know all they want to do is sexual things. Sure, you’re in a relationship, but I don’t see why we can’t just watch a movie without the idea that I need to please you while doing it. What is wrong with today’s society? It’s like I would be more likely to do things if they didn’t ask so much… You know?

I’ve been slapped, “accidentally,” because he thought I was making fun of the way he said “gyro” but in all honesty I didn’t hear him the first time. That was in the beginning of the relationship. When he wouldn’t want me to leave he would grab my wrists. I had bruises from that because he was so much bigger than me. It was clear that someone grabbed me, but I didn’t think anything of it until the end of everything. I was talking about relationship abuse with a friend tonight and we both agreed relationship abuse is almost addicting to the victim because you fall for false promises. You think that they won’t do it again or change, but don’t fall for it. They won’t change for you. Move on.

To the people that read this, if any. Please remind yourself that you deserve to be treated like a fucking princess. I’m not the one to be spoiled and glamorous, but any boy that wants your attention needs to earn it with respect of your body and their own. Even the guys need to be treated with respect by their girl. No matter the type of abuse that there is, is too much abuse. no one deserves that. If they love you, they wouldn’t be doing that to you.