May 29, 2016; 12:47 AM

Fine dining is no joke. The little things matter in service and that’s the worst part. At this point of my life I don’t give a fuck about want to pursue fine dining and if I do, I want a very chill, moderately fun, controlled environment. Tonight was definitely the breaking point for what I want to do in my life and fine dining is no longer one of them. As I was beaten down and broken after my lunch shift of serving, God gave me a great experience and proved that I am good enough for things by rewarding me with $100 on a $240 bill. Thank you to the lovely couple that made me feel that I am good enough and thank you God for showing me I am worth it

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My Fight 

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt so depressed I wasn’t sure what to do next. I lived a perfectly fine life. I’ve been blessed throughout my life with people and things that some may never get the opportunity to have. That never really changed the fact that I was hit with depression at the age of 15, sophomore year of high school. Throughout high school I thought it was just SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, as the pain only came during the winters, but progressively got worse over the years. 

I wasn’t able to explain what I felt or why I felt that way. I avoided hanging out with friends and decided it was best to keep to myself. Little things bugged me more than they ever should.  Being depressed at college didn’t help, so I left and moved home to be with my family and boyfriend at the time. 

The depression never ended. February of 2015, I began antidepressants as I was diagnosed with severe depression, but that barely worked as I began to become suicidal. My boyfriend decided he didn’t want me anymore and went with another girl. To this day I still get depressed about that thinking I wasn’t good enough, but that’s okay because I’m better without him. A year later to this day, I am off my antidepressants and genuinely happy. I haven’t talked to him in awhile and I’m much better. It’s been almost three months since I have taken my last pill. I am no longer dependent on such a thing to be happy. No one should have to be dependent on medicine to make them happy. There are so many great things in life that are there to make people enjoy life.

Thankful to have found the happiness in my life and to be here to continue this crazy thing called life.

May 23, 2016 Adventures

Today, Trenton and I biked around the island and hung out for awhile, 5 hours to be exact. It was really enjoyable. To catch up and share life stories since we have graduated. We recalled past memories that we had throughout DeWitt, and talked about future life opportunities. With him it was nice not having to share my life story, as he already knows it. Has God put him back into my life because at one point we let the opportunity pass, or is this more of a coincidence.

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Mackinac Island Marina, before the 5 o’clock Shepler’s Ferry.

Our story begins in fourth grade. He was my first friend that I spent almost all my time with at lunches and recess. James Dell was the addition to the friendship. We were all inseparable from what I can remember. My fondest memory was when it was winter we would spend our recess in snow pants and boots out by the basketball court building a fort. Fifth grade we took on middle school as we were in the same class again. I remember at the end of the school year, I have a picture of him and Rachel Rick. I don’t think we actually got any pictures together throughout the friendship besides the one posted. Sixth grade rolls around and I remember his mom coming out from the school to tell me to return his highlighter/ marker because I wouldn’t when he asked.

Taking our friendship into Jr. High, I don’t remember any distinct memories as we started to run in separate groups starting here. Seventh grade was a blur. I believe we did actually hangout throughout seventh grade camp, this reminisces on the fact I use to pull all the thick hair from the top of my head and had a bald spot for awhile… But no one needs to distinctly remember that. Eighth grade was our last “close” year and I say that in quotes as at this point we had already started to drift, but I know near the Super Bowl we dated. When I say date I mean the typical call and text because that was a big thing in life back in the day.

High school was all a blur as we had parted from being close as we ran with different crowds. Playing different sports and having different teachers was the main reason as we did stay in touch here and there. I just want to thank God for giving me the opportunity to reconnect with someone that I didn’t think would have been such a big impact on my life. This opportunity has given me a piece of my past back that I am not afraid to welcome in and I am truly thankful for that. So here’s to turning 21 and having the summer of my life with a very close childhood friend on the beautiful Mackinac Island.

May 24, 2016; 1:00 AM

Where do I begin? There’s so much to say about the trip I am having up here on Mackinac Island. Probably start with the part that has taken my breath away and is making me start to tear up. What do I have to do in order to find someone that genuinely cares enough to want to be part of my life? Loving myself only gets me so far. I want to share adventures, I want to make memories, and fall in love. I want to live the life that I should have been the past couple years without regrets and freely with someone who loves it just as much as I do. I just want to be loved as much as I can love one. Will I ever make it out of people’s friend zone area?

Stay cool and content with what is happening and that is the only advice I can give myself as I have no idea what this summer will bring. I only need to keep my life in order and let things fall into place. I don’t know why I have the tendency to fall so easily, why am I like this? Maybe I should stop by the church this week and just ask God for some guidance. As work seems to be falling into place and friends, it’s time to see what else I can start to engrave into my head.

Where do I see myself in 5 years, graduated from any school I may have left, starting my life, my career, a family. Some kind of consistency. Any kind of consistency. I’m tired of losing those that matter in my life. I’m tired of not being good enough, because I am enough and refuse to back down to anyone that says I’m not. I have seen the darkest moments in life, and I plan on only seeing the brightest for now on. I know I will have bad days, but I cannot let that affect what I will and will not do in life.