I turned 21 yesterday. Woo. Being a light weight I told myself three drinks… Three became eight at the end of the night. I did the unbearable and wish it didn’t happen. I really hope it didn’t, but the truth is I blacked out from 1-5am. So I was taken advantage of. The boy I like wasn’t able to come over to Mackinac island for the night as he lives in the city. His best friend/ roommate did. I woke up spooning him uncomfortably close. Of course I woke up to period cramps, stomachache, and throwing up. I am still unsure how/ why I made out with him. I ruined a good friendship and a chance at something, if anything with my crush. Go me. I’m ashamed that happened, but more frustrated that he knew I liked his roommate and knew I was wasted and let me do that. For him to think it meant anything hurts me when he knew the truth. He said I led him on, but is that the truth?
Blessed by two people that have already made my summer worth it. Blessed to have another off day that was the same as Trenton’s, but happy to have met such a kind heart like Brandon. Tells you straight up on his views and couldn’t be more enjoyable to be around. I cannot wait to be able to celebrate being 21 with these two. So here’s to living life to the fullest.
I just want to be loved. I just want to go to bed at night knowing that there is someone out there that I make truly happy. Someone to look forward to spending my life with and more. I deserve that. I was robbed from that by being verbally abused and didn’t know what love actually feels like and now I know, it’s not what I thought it was.
While starting to read Anthony Bourdain’s book, Kitchen Confidential, I have started to fully understand what I want to do in my life. I do want to go to culinary school, I do want to possibly open my own restaurant, I do want to make a statement, and one day I do want to write my own book. Cliché right? I want to save the money I make here waitressing and work on having that to pay for my culinary school. Of course, I believe I shall not go to culinary school right after I finish up at Michigan State, but I will when I fully have enough to say, I am financially ready… I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but I shall try. I expect to go to culinary school in around 4 years. Within that time I will finish up in school and be done with my bachelors by Dec 2017. Upon graduation, I will look into waitressing within a seasonal job, then possibly come back to Mackinac for one last final season. At that point, assuming it’d be my third season, I would soon throw in the flag after it’s over and make my way into being a line cook somewhere else for the time being. When I feel I am ready, I will head to culinary school near where I am and pursue an associates in culinary.
I’ve never understood why I am so sensitive to things when they happen to me over and over again. Like why am I surprised that the guy I once liked turned into an asshole, or the thought that when someone says they changed, but in reality they didn’t. Why does that surprise me every time. The fact that usually I fall for jackasses, or the fact the guys that usually like me are extremely weird, but honestly very genuine people. Why do I fall for false promises every damn time. I know that things probably won’t follow through with the way I am hoping, but that doesn’t change the fact I still do get my hopes up… Every. Damn. Time.
But here I am, smiling the pain away, acting like it’s no big deal and moving on to the next thing that gets me through the day.
Fine dining is no joke. The little things matter in service and that’s the worst part. At this point of my life I don’t give a fuck about want to pursue fine dining and if I do, I want a very chill, moderately fun, controlled environment. Tonight was definitely the breaking point for what I want to do in my life and fine dining is no longer one of them. As I was beaten down and broken after my lunch shift of serving, God gave me a great experience and proved that I am good enough for things by rewarding me with $100 on a $240 bill. Thank you to the lovely couple that made me feel that I am good enough and thank you God for showing me I am worth it
No matter how are things get there always be a way to get through everything. God has a plan no matter what. He will get me through the sadness. I believe that I don’t need anyone to make me happy. There’s no reason for me to be sad. There’s no reason for me to be anxious. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want to do. I will one day find the man of my dreams and I will be happy. There will be no doubt in my mind that I will start a family. I have time to do what I need to do before I need to do exactly what I need to do. Was saying that all it means is that I need to get through the things I need to do in order to pursue a future. God has a plan.