I turned 21 yesterday. Woo. Being a light weight I told myself three drinks… Three became eight at the end of the night. I did the unbearable and wish it didn’t happen. I really hope it didn’t, but the truth is I blacked out from 1-5am. So I was taken advantage of. The boy I like wasn’t able to come over to Mackinac island for the night as he lives in the city. His best friend/ roommate did. I woke up spooning him uncomfortably close. Of course I woke up to period cramps, stomachache, and throwing up. I am still unsure how/ why I made out with him. I ruined a good friendship and a chance at something, if anything with my crush. Go me. I’m ashamed that happened, but more frustrated that he knew I liked his roommate and knew I was wasted and let me do that. For him to think it meant anything hurts me when he knew the truth. He said I led him on, but is that the truth?
I just want to be loved. I just want to go to bed at night knowing that there is someone out there that I make truly happy. Someone to look forward to spending my life with and more. I deserve that. I was robbed from that by being verbally abused and didn’t know what love actually feels like and now I know, it’s not what I thought it was.
While starting to read Anthony Bourdain’s book, Kitchen Confidential, I have started to fully understand what I want to do in my life. I do want to go to culinary school, I do want to possibly open my own restaurant, I do want to make a statement, and one day I do want to write my own book. Cliché right? I want to save the money I make here waitressing and work on having that to pay for my culinary school. Of course, I believe I shall not go to culinary school right after I finish up at Michigan State, but I will when I fully have enough to say, I am financially ready… I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but I shall try. I expect to go to culinary school in around 4 years. Within that time I will finish up in school and be done with my bachelors by Dec 2017. Upon graduation, I will look into waitressing within a seasonal job, then possibly come back to Mackinac for one last final season. At that point, assuming it’d be my third season, I would soon throw in the flag after it’s over and make my way into being a line cook somewhere else for the time being. When I feel I am ready, I will head to culinary school near where I am and pursue an associates in culinary.
Fine dining is no joke. The little things matter in service and that’s the worst part. At this point of my life I don’t give a fuck about want to pursue fine dining and if I do, I want a very chill, moderately fun, controlled environment. Tonight was definitely the breaking point for what I want to do in my life and fine dining is no longer one of them. As I was beaten down and broken after my lunch shift of serving, God gave me a great experience and proved that I am good enough for things by rewarding me with $100 on a $240 bill. Thank you to the lovely couple that made me feel that I am good enough and thank you God for showing me I am worth it
No matter how are things get there always be a way to get through everything. God has a plan no matter what. He will get me through the sadness. I believe that I don’t need anyone to make me happy. There’s no reason for me to be sad. There’s no reason for me to be anxious. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want to do. I will one day find the man of my dreams and I will be happy. There will be no doubt in my mind that I will start a family. I have time to do what I need to do before I need to do exactly what I need to do. Was saying that all it means is that I need to get through the things I need to do in order to pursue a future. God has a plan.
My first relationship was a rough one. It dealt with a lot of fun, but also a lot of depressing sad stories. It’s not fair for me to have been in such of a relationship, but that’s okay. Life lessons. Live and learn I guess. People need to know that if you are ever treated disrespectfully within a relationship, then it is time to leave it. I did not listen to anyone that would tell me that my relationship was not good for me. I pushed everyone away and wasn’t even happy. I basically had no one because I thought I could handle it myself. Truth is I couldn’t. I was part of a verbally abusive relationship and am not afraid to admit it anymore. I was called bitch, slut, whore, cunt, chink, stupid, and any other name you could probably think of. It wasn’t because I actually cheated on him or messed around. It was all due to an ignorant man that I “fell in love” with.
I say that in quotes because at this point of my life I’m not even sure if that was love. No one should have to tell the one you love to stop calling you names over and over again. “I’m just messing around” is not a good enough excuse; I know that now.
I’m honestly not a difficult person to deal with. I just want to be treated with a little self decency. No one should stress themselves out before they see their loved one because they know all they want to do is sexual things. Sure, you’re in a relationship, but I don’t see why we can’t just watch a movie without the idea that I need to please you while doing it. What is wrong with today’s society? It’s like I would be more likely to do things if they didn’t ask so much… You know?
I’ve been slapped, “accidentally,” because he thought I was making fun of the way he said “gyro” but in all honesty I didn’t hear him the first time. That was in the beginning of the relationship. When he wouldn’t want me to leave he would grab my wrists. I had bruises from that because he was so much bigger than me. It was clear that someone grabbed me, but I didn’t think anything of it until the end of everything. I was talking about relationship abuse with a friend tonight and we both agreed relationship abuse is almost addicting to the victim because you fall for false promises. You think that they won’t do it again or change, but don’t fall for it. They won’t change for you. Move on.
To the people that read this, if any. Please remind yourself that you deserve to be treated like a fucking princess. I’m not the one to be spoiled and glamorous, but any boy that wants your attention needs to earn it with respect of your body and their own. Even the guys need to be treated with respect by their girl. No matter the type of abuse that there is, is too much abuse. no one deserves that. If they love you, they wouldn’t be doing that to you.
Where do I begin? There’s so much to say about the trip I am having up here on Mackinac Island. Probably start with the part that has taken my breath away and is making me start to tear up. What do I have to do in order to find someone that genuinely cares enough to want to be part of my life? Loving myself only gets me so far. I want to share adventures, I want to make memories, and fall in love. I want to live the life that I should have been the past couple years without regrets and freely with someone who loves it just as much as I do. I just want to be loved as much as I can love one. Will I ever make it out of people’s friend zone area?
Stay cool and content with what is happening and that is the only advice I can give myself as I have no idea what this summer will bring. I only need to keep my life in order and let things fall into place. I don’t know why I have the tendency to fall so easily, why am I like this? Maybe I should stop by the church this week and just ask God for some guidance. As work seems to be falling into place and friends, it’s time to see what else I can start to engrave into my head.
Where do I see myself in 5 years, graduated from any school I may have left, starting my life, my career, a family. Some kind of consistency. Any kind of consistency. I’m tired of losing those that matter in my life. I’m tired of not being good enough, because I am enough and refuse to back down to anyone that says I’m not. I have seen the darkest moments in life, and I plan on only seeing the brightest for now on. I know I will have bad days, but I cannot let that affect what I will and will not do in life.